Spring Break 2016 – nights full of tequila and odd named shots; blurred vision, words, and actions.
Whether or not I was personally experiencing all the festivities, these moments would be happening to my friends, and to complete strangers, attempting to make their spring break “worth it” each and every day and night in Cancun. — I did attempt to make my spring break worth it one night. I decided to let go and take shot after shot like I’d never done before…and with that, that one crazy “fun” night resulted in rape.
Rape. Teenagers and adults alike use this word in vain, as if it is just another word to throw around in casual conversation. “That test definitely raped me,” or “You totally raped that!” In all honesty, I did this very thing before that night. I was naive. And I understand how others are as well. Since that night, I noticed a change in me since the numbness wore off and I could finally complete my sentences again after chugging water and my best friend assisting in ridding the toxins in my body. I wouldn’t be able to say that word again without feeling uncomfortable, knowing that other people face the same issue. Issue, no. I mean realization; a realization about how real the word really is.
After that night, I walked coldly. Woke up, attempting to piece together what had happened 5 hours prior. Now, I’m a pretty open person. That morning, I barely talked to my mother who was with me and only select friends, as every one of my classmates had heard about what happened…except they only heard it from him. They didn’t know my story. Since I wasn’t even sure what had happened, I was too scared to confront them. After talking to my brother, he asked about what happened and if it was consensual; I knew I had sex, but I knew I said no. It obviously happened anyway. I didn’t know what to make of it. My brother helped me realize what had happened. I just kept telling myself, “I said no,” because, although I was stupidly drunk, I knew I did say no…
After being home, I spent time with one of my guy best friends. There had always been sexual tension between us, but after this experience, I couldn’t give it any thought. You would think I would be able to tell him right away, and for him to respond in a sympathetic way, trying to help me overcome what I could remember. But in reality, I knew I shouldn’t. He had been weird for a few weeks, but a five year friendship can’t just be ignored. — When we hung out, we cuddled. That was a normal thing for the two of us, because we both felt safe and comfortable. It was that day I decided to tell him. I regret it.
As the words came out, so did the tears. This was the third time I had verbalized what had happened to me just a few weeks prior. — Previously, I did not cry. I just shook and tried to explain what I could remember through a dry mouth, sweaty palms, and a cold tone. I did not realize how much of an effect that night would have on me. Whether it was the fact I “came to” with him thrusting over me, or the blood found between my legs when I made it back to my room, or hearing how I apparently “let” him choke me, it took time for these moments to fully hit me, and I don’t think my friend understands that.
This best friend, after I had told him everything, without even blinking an eye told me it’s in the past and I should forget it. He was so bland and unsympathetic. Simply disgusting and rude. Moments later, he tried making a move on me. He was then on top, and I started trembling…then the tears started again. I couldn’t stop. I just remembered that night. My best friend did not care. He said, “fine, that’s okay,” when he clearly wanted to get it on. — Three months pass, we graduate from high school, and he Snapchats me telling me to come over the next day because his parents won’t be home and we can, quote on quote “fuck.” I wanted to vomit. After telling him what had happened in Mexico, after him knowing, or me thinking he knew, that I was not completely okay was shocking. That should’ve been the last time I talked to him. That should’ve been a breaking point for me…
I do know NOW, any person facing sexual assault should not brush it off. I know I was not ready for him to make a move, or make me feel stupid for my mistakes. I do own up to letting myself get too drunk and walk away with a stranger, and I understand it could have been prevented, or more severe. I just wish rape, and sexual assault were viewed differently, because those who have not experienced any degree of it, especially men, are ignorant. — The effects don’t have a switch. I would say that I am doing much better though, that is why I’m writing. I used to see the guy in Mexico’s face in complete strangers that didn’t even look like him and I still get a knot in my stomach worrying about what happened. I just wish there was a switch.
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